Homer: I can't see! I'll have to steer via the reflection in my watch! Oh, why don't I just pull over!? Homer: Can't stop. Krusty collectable toy jammed under brake pedal! Krusty: Hey hey! Hey hey! Hey hey!
Phone: Intruder detected. Calling local police. :busy signal: Line busy. Shutting down. Bart: Hey guys. I heard an assistant professorship just opened up. At the univerisy of PSYCHE! Willie: Yeah when it happens in a book it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ya, it's all pepper spray and fingernails. Man: Well honey, whaddya think? Lady: Did that salesman cut one during the test drive? Man: Yeah, and for some reason he turned on the radio to cover up the smell. Lady: Lets get out of here, I'm not shaking that guy's hand. Homer: They'll be back...... :silence followed by radio being turned on: Salesman: Ah we'll never sell this thing. The brakes are shot, the engine's rusted, the only thing that works is the siren. Siren: :wais, but Homer hears: BUY MEEEE BUY MEEE BUY MEE! Homer: I'll do it! Salesman: Do what!? Homer: Guess what? I quit my job as a used car salesman! Marge: You work at the nuclear plant! Homer: Get with the program, Marge! Your husband is now an Ambulance driver! Lisa: Don't you need training for that? Homer: Maybe on planet Zuzu. Homer: Slow down, Picasso. You were gonna start a novel without informing me. Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call! Homer: I also fed some ducklings! Marge: I know, I got your message. Homer: Fine, fine. I'll take the kids tonight and you go to your precious hair appointment Marge: I'm writing a novel! Homer: Whatever, but I think you look great already! Marge: Mayor Quimby, Disco Stu, and our fighting men and women overseas. Well, I've finished the thankyou's. Time to go back to the novel. Bart: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes! Lisa: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is? Homer: Why don't you admit I know its around here somewhere! Ned: Well, some say being thoughtful is old fashioned. If so, then I guess I'm just a caveman. If they existed. Which they didn't. Ned: Oh Temperence. I've got an overpowering urge to see you... with your hat off! Marge: I must remember my wedding vows. Ned: Did you promise to be miserable, to be taken for granted by a drunken lout. Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
Homer: :singing: Here in my car. I am hosing off blood. Some of it's mine, but most of it's not! Here's Marge..
Homer: No. Gotta read Marge's book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get tracted? Better call a suicide hotline and ask them.
Marge: Well? Homer: Well what? Marge: Did you read the book? Homer: ...................oh.... yes. Marge: Did you like it? Homer: ...................I.. did. Marge: Oh, that's wonderful. And the characters didn't bother you at all!? Homer: No, they were all in their own way, totally awesome!
Homer: Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.
Tom Clancy: Hello this is Tom Clancy. Would I say "if you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time?" Hell no I wouldnt! Whaddya mean I just said it. That doesn't count. Hello? Hello?
Lisa: If dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated! Bart: He'll never read it. Lisa: What if they make it into a movie? Bart: He'll never see it. Lisa: What if they parody it on "MadTV"? Bart: We're doomed!
Homer: So, how much bleach did you drink? Not a talker, eh?
Marvin Monroe: I loved this book, Marge. Very psychological! Marge: Dr. Marvin Monroe? I haven't seen you in years! Marvin Monroe: Oh, I've been very sick!
Moe: Can you believe that Homer and Marge's marriage is just a sham? Alright I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And could you space out the meat so that it spells "Happy Birthday Moe"? Oh god I'm alone!
Apu: This is how you talk if you learn English from porno movies.
Homer: Read by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? Ashley: The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson. Your turn Mary Kate! Mary Kate: There once was a girl from Nantucket. Her name was Temperence Barrows, and her heart was heavy with feelings. Take it, Ashley! Ashley: Temperence was trapped in a loveless marriage. Bummer, I didn't know people were sad in the past.
Homer: Just tell me how much of this is true! Marge: Well, there's a place called Nantucket! Homer: I KNEW IT!
Ned: Dear lord, please make Homer's blows precise and deadly with the minimum of pain. And forgive me for those impure thoughts I had about the girl on the raisin box.
Homer: The end of your book was the wakeup call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.
