Homer: So kids, it's Valentines Day and you know what that means? You get to stay downstairs watching TV with the sound turned way up! Lisa: What about you and mom? Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire. Bart: Oh, okay. Homer: Children. So naive. Bart: What? Lisa: Who's naive? Homer: I didn't say anything..... so naive.
Homer: Hey there, little red riding hood. I ate your granny, and now I'm in the mood for love. Homer: But it's St. Valentines Day! God wants us to do it. Marge: You're so cute when you're begging for sex. But I'm just too tired. Homer: Well, my special mixed tape will get you going...
:inserts tape and a lullaby plays, while Marge falls asleep:
Oh no! That's Maggie's mixed tape. Then Maggie must have gotten...
:Tom Jones' Sex Bomb plays while Maggie dances in her bed: Homer: Thank you outdoor advertising. You saved my marriage! And not for the first time. Cletus: Well I's here to win back Brandine. She been making eyes at that photographer what come to document our squaller. Dr. Hibbert: Homer, take this quarter, call your mother, and tell her you're never going to be a stripper! Homer: Aren't you gonna chuckle? Dr. Hibbert: There's nothing to chuckle about. Teacher: You there! Yah, the greasy naked bald man. Homer: You know everything about me! Teacher: What would you say if I offered you the secret of true success? Homer: Wipe me down and sign me up! Teacher: Now life is hard. Am I right? Everyone: :mixture of 'yes' responses: Teacher: Wrong! Life is easy! You suck! Teacher: I can read your minds! :to Barney: Oh.. ooh, I'm afraid of success. :to Comic Book Guy: It's pizza's fault I'm fat! :to Hans Moleman: Oh I'll stop sucking... later! C'mere. Gimme your hand, it's okay... :throws Hans out window: Teacher: You see this watch? It's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move. What kind of watch do you have? Homer: Uh, well I drew it on. Teacher: Do you want to be the ultimate you!? Homer: Yes! Teacher: Do you want to yodel at the top of the corporate mountain? Homer: Yes! Teacher: Will you write me a check made out to cash? Homer: God yes! Homer: Tip One: Live each day like it was your last. :sobs: I don't want to die. I'm so young! :cries: Tip Two...
Homer: Tip Two: Let nothing stand in your way. :enters house: Listen up life obstacles! From now on, nothing's gonna stand in Homer Simpson's way! :to Bart: Do your homework! :to Lisa: Don't do so much homework! :to Maggie: Learn to talk! :to Marge: You, lets love, now! Marge: Sounds good to me!
Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more! Carl: I say Attack Of The Clones sucked more!
Homer: And now see Mr. Burns for the promotion and raise I've deserved since this morning.
Homer: But the book said you'd applaud my initiative! Mr. Burns: And what book is that? The ape who wanted a big bonus? Stop wasting my time you corn fed man-cow!
Homer: All my life I've had one dream. To achieve my many goals. Mr. Burns has never given me a thumbs up or a "way to be" or a "you go girl!"
Marge: Don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle, whoopie ding-dong-doo! Homer: Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moes. Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble. Gabba-gabba hey.
Homer: Revenge? On Mr. Burns? Lenny: Mm. Send him magazine subscriptions he don't want! Moe: Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick!
Homer: Heheh. Wait till he steps on this flaming bag of... Lisa's College Fund!?
Teacher: Don't you get it. If you get rid of that bird, Burns is at your mercy! Homer: Get rid of a bird? No way! Their eyes are so expressive! Teacher: Fool! You've learned absolutely nothing from my one hour class!
Marge: Well, If you don't know what path to take, you have to be very quiet, and listen to that little voice inside that tells you what to do................... Bart: Do it dad! You could get a less crappy car! Marge: Bart! You can hear us? Bart: Oh yeah, from my room, I can hear everything. Lisa: Me too, the walls are paper thin. Flanders: And it wouldn't hurt you to put up some curtains. Burns: Good lord! That canary was supposed to be my pidgeon! I need to find a patsy, quick! Homer: Hello! Burns: Yes, yes, hello. Now, I need to find a patsy. Homer: Hello! Burns: You're quite the friendly fellow but, right now, I'm looking for a patsy! Homer: Hello! Burns: You bumbling fool! I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy! Homer: Hello! Burns: This moon-faced simpleton is continuously interrupting my search for a patsy, why do.... Hello! Homer: Why are you looking at me like that.
Burns: Now a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Homer: Mr. Burns reign of terror is over! And today begins my reign of terrr..-iffic management! Lenny: Man, I thought he was going to say terror! Carl: I didn't think he was going that way.
Smithers: Do you know where I can buy some :whispers: drugs? Man: Drugs!? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs, monkey made of drugs. Look. All market made of drugs. Smithers: I'd like to buy this. Man: Only American money. Our money is made of drugs.
Lady: Homer, I'll go over the year-end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs! Homer: No deal.
Marge: Homey, I know you've got a lot of work to do. But this really isn't the same as eating dinner with your family! Homer: :via internet: Look, there's nothing more important to me than you guys, I :connection scrambled: best quality porkchops! Lisa: Dad, this just isn't working. Homer: Lisa, I deeply rese --- with a big bowl of apple sauce!
Mr. Burns: Knock knock! Homer: Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers? Mr. Burns: He's doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.
Homer: What are you doing? Mr. Burns: Scream all you like, no one will hear you! Homer: I don't know why you're trying to steal the plant back. I don't even want it. Mr. Burns: Oh, keep begging! You're just wasting precious oxygen! Brick by brick, I seal his doom! :evil laughs:
