NOTICE: CHARACTER NAMES IN THIS EPISODE REPESENT THOSE OF SPRINGFIELDIENS, NOT CHARACTERS FROM THE STORIES THEMSELVES.
Homer: Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute, blood in the broncho, the cuts on the hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god he did it! Lisa: Classics For Children? Homer: Oh yeah, I checked that out when Bart was born. I was going to read to him every day. Bart: What happened? Homer: Stuff kept coming up. Mostly car related. Piece of crap!
Lisa: Why don't you read to us now? Homer: I decide who reads and when. How bout now? Homer: Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that mini-van I rented once? Lisa: No, Dad, it's an epic tale from ancient Greece. Homer: That mini-van had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin. From penny to quarter. Bart: Dad, I loved it too. But it was seven years ago! Homer: I think I speak for all the Greeks when I say this war has gone on for too long. Flanders: I'll say, I'd really like to go out and get the mail. Flanders: Now throughout history when people get wood, they'll think of trojans! Homer: Hehehe! Trojans! Lisa: What are you laughing at, dad? Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny. Apu: Odysseus, do not forget to thank our gods for victory with an appropriate animal sacrifice! Homer: Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric! Now have the slaves kill the wounded. Lenny: Is is vayse, or vars? :asking about pronounciation of vase: Carl: Are you going to be asking that the whole trip? Disco Stu: Disco Stu has ouzo for two-zo. Bart: I'll leave you guys alone. Disco Stu: Disco Stu was talking to you. Homer: Oh I'm still hungry. Circes: Didn't you eat enough of your friends? Homer: Those were my friends!? Circes: Yes, I've been saying that for hours. Circes: You must go through Hadies, crossing the River Styx.
:"Lady" by Styx plays as Homer flats past on a boat: Homer: Oh! This truly is hell! Marge: Brave Odysseus it's been twenty long years, regail me with tales of your adventures. Homer: Quit suffocating me, I'm going to Moe's. Homer: This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France. Marge: Bartou, where is your sister, Joan? Morning bells-a-ringing, morning bells-a-ringing. Bart: She's talking to her invisible friend, "god"
Lisa: But I'm just a little girl! God: I know, I have three eyes! Now get cracking.
Bart: Joan, give me your dessert. Lisa: That's just you, Bart. God: Joan, give me your dessert! Lisa: Yessir. God: Oh, that's going straight to my five thighs.
Wiggum: Trois, deux, un! Lou: Uh? Wiggum: No, un, you know, French for one. Lou: Well you keep switching back between French and English.
English Man: Allo allo allo! What's all dis, then? It's a little bird with a knife, innit. :Lisa stabs man: Oh.. what a thing to 'appen.
Milhouse: Let us drink to Joan Of Arc, who will conquer the English! And has already conquered my heart. Lisa: Uh, god says we should just be friends. Krusty: I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the twelfth girl he's struck out with this week! Milhouse: Boil him in oil! Krusty: So no 10:30 show?
English Man 1: They're attacking again. English Man 2: I thought we had a truce. English Man 1: Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so. :gets stabbed: Oh, my word!
Lovejoy: Joan Of Arc, you are accused of heroecy, witchcraft, and that man told me you pushed him.
Lisa: What happened, dad? They didn't really burn her, did they? Marge: Of course they didn't honey. Just then, Sir Lancelot drove up on a white horse and saved Joan Of Arc, they got married and lived in a spaceship, the end. :tears out page and eats it: Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video!
Marge: I love these Jesters, they're exactly what I need to forget about my first husband. Moe: Yeah, I really miss the old guy. Was all I could do to put on his jewels and score with his wife every night.
Bart: Ah-hah Methinks the plays the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. Moe: Catch my conscience, wha? Bart: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy. Moe: Okay well I'll do a soliloquy too. Note to self: Kill that kid. Krusty: Somebody shout out a location. Bart: This castle! Krusty: Okay, how about an occupation. Bart: Userper of the throne. Krusty: I think I heard userper of the throne. Now finally I need an object. Bart: Ear poison! Moe: Hey, do you have diarrhoea? I have diarrhoea.
Lisa: Oh great. Now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well nobody out-crazies Ophelia. Hey naneenannee with a hoo and a haw and a naneenanee heey!
Bart: Thelonius? What are you doing behind the curtain. Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed. Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying!
Moe: Just in case you don't kill Hamlet I put some poison on the food, on the drapes, even on RosenCarl and GildenLenny here. Lenny: If Hamlet touches either of us he's dead!
Marge: No way I'm cleaning up this mess :kills self:
Homer: It's not only a great play, but also became a great movie... called Ghostbusters! :Ghostbusters theme plays while the family dances:
