Bart: This ghost town is gonna be great. Now with 30 percent more gunfights. Marge: And 40 percent more rootin' tootin!
Marge: This is so sweet of you to take us out like this Homey.. C'mon kids, three cheers for your father. Hip hip! Lisa: Mom, don't... Marge: Hip hip! Bart: We heard you the first time! Marge: HIP HIP! Homer: Hey, i'm trying to drive here. Lisa: Hey dad, that light says check engine... Homer: Uh oh... the tape must have fallen off.... there, problem solved (engine stops) Homer: Relax, it just needs a little lovin! (tries to start the car... notices he stopped in front of the retirement castle... screams) Abe: Aww! They remembered my birthday. (walks to car, Homer keeps screaming) Happy Birthday to me... Happy birthday to me! Homer: Two hours!? Why did they build this Ghost Town so far away!? Lisa: Because they discovered Gold right over there... Homer: That's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything! Marge: This should be very Educational, I want you kids to pay attention!
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a months pay in three minutes. Marge: I never realized history was so filthy! Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whore house, then we'll visit the cat house, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission. Marge: Oh thank heaven! Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there! Homer: Do we have to listen to you? Tour Guide: Well... no... you don't but if you have any interest in History.. Homer: I'm done! Homer: Hey robot, get your fat metal ass down here! Bartender: First of all, I'm not a robot, and second, I got this metal ass in 'nam, defending this country for lazy jerk's like you... now whaddya have partner! Homer: Lets see.. one two three.... six Whiskeys! Bartender: We only serve Sarsaparilla, mac, no alcohol Marge: You can get drunk when we get home... Homer: Duh... Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine. Robot 2: Now look what you've done! Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Robot 3: Lets forget this whole thing happened. Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody!!
[ the robots look at him and get out their guns, and start shootingat him ] Marge: What IS it with you and robots... Bart: Hey mom, look what I got..
:shows Marge a 'Wanted' sign with Homer's face on it: Marge: Oh that's cute! Did you get it in the souvineer shop? Bart: No, that security guard is handing them out! Tour Guide: There's old Curly. He played the town preacher until we laid him off. But he still hangs around. Curly: Help me please I'm sick!
Homer: Ahahahahahahaha! Marge: Homer! Homer: But it's funny, Marge! The guy's sick!
:Curly falls into a water trough: Lisa: Uh, shouldn't we help him? Bart: He knows what he's doing. Homer: We're almost home dad.... Only a couple more times over the horizon... Abe: But I might explode! Homer: Just sit back and relax! I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad! Dr. Hibbert: Oh dear god! This man's kidneys have exploded! Homer: Come on, Doc...There's gotta be something I can do to help my dad... Dr. Hibbert: Well you could give him a kidney.. Homer: A kidney!?... okay, fine! Dr. Hibbert: You see the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and... Homer: I said fine! What is it about the word sure you don't understand!? Lisa: Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful generous guy like you! Homer: Well that's what I always thought but somehow.. Bart: Check it out, dad. I rented all your favorite gorilla movies! Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island 6.. Homer: <gasp> Ape's-A-Poppin! Ooh, the airline version! Lisa: Can I fluff your pillow? Homer: Nothing's too good for me! Moe: Listen I'm just gonna get right to the point here... can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die? They look pretty comfortable. Homer: Yeah I guess. Homer: What if instead of donating one of my old worn out kidneys, I gave grandpa that artificial kidney I invented... Marge: Oh Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it... Abe: Jack and Jill went up the hill and......... Jill came tumbling after.. the end. Goodnight. Child Homer: Is that the same Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk? Abe: You know son, I believe it is... Child Homer: And Jack Spratt... is that him too? Abe: Sure why not... Goodnight! Child Homer: Is he the same as Jack be Nimble, Jack Frost and Little Jack Horner? Homer: You're right Marge.. I'll do it.. But if I die during the operation will you do one thing for me? Marge: Oh, anything sweetheart... Homer: Blow up the hospital... Marge: Hmm, I said I'll do it... so I guess I'll have to... Abe: Am I dead yet? Marge: No... Abe: How bout now? Marge: No! Abe: Now..? Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grandpa! Abe: Thankyou! Homer: Umm... can I be a mate on your ship? Preferrably first mate.. Window Cleaner: Well if you look closely... you'll see this is a Taffee shop shaped like a ship... Homer: Oh! I like taffee but I don't deserve taffee! Krusty: Oooh boy ooh, Looks like we're both short on time... so I'll go to the big finish... You are so beautiful.... to.... MEEEEEE! Feel better! Homer: I'd like to apply for a job... any job! If you don't have a captain I could be that! Captain McAllister: Yarr! What other ships ye been on? Homer: Uuuh, I've been in that one... the Taffee Shop! Captain McAliister: Good enough! Lady: So one day, I stole a loaf of bread, put it in the freezer until it was very hard... then robbed a bank with it!
