The Ned Zone: Homer knocks Ned unconscious with his bowling ball, when he recovers he discovers he has premonitions of doom. He tells Homer about his new power and Homer wants to know his future. Ned sees Homer being shot in the back, and the shooter is he.
Four Beheadings & A Funeral: The "Mutton Chop Murderer" has taken another victim, and Eliza Simpson and her sidekick Dr. Bartley join with Inspector Wiggum of Scotland Yard to find the killer.
In The Belly Of The Boss: At the "New Invention Expo" Maggie gets inside of a new vitamin pill that is going to be reduced by Prof. Frink's new shrink ray. The pill is swallowed by Mr. Burns. The other Simpson family members become bionauts inside a submarine that is miniaturized and sent inside of Mr. Burn's body.

When the house next door has an open inspection, Homer and Marge venture over to check it out. Marge sees their ultra modern kitchen and persuades Homer that their own kitchen could do with a renovation. To Homer's disgust, Marge hires a contractor to perform the task. During renovations Marge finds all of Homer's old issues of Playdude which she cuts the nude pics from. The magazines land in the hands of Bart & Milhouse who start up their own Playboy mansion in the treehouse. Marge enters her dessert hot dogs into a bake-off contest but when the other entrants sabotage her entry she gets revenge by covering their dishes in ear medicine. When Marge and Brandine are selected as the final two, Lisa persuades Marge to come clean, while Homer feels its time for Bart to be given the birds and the bees talk.

After Lisa is told by Sherri and Terri that she has a big butt, Homer lets her know it's her genes. She checks out the fashion stores and notices the skimpy clothes and models and develops a weight obsession. Marge finds Bart and Lisa are ignoring her so when she sees a lonely Nelson she decides to act motherly towards him. After a few outings, Nelson's mom kicks him out of home and Marge takes him in, putting him in Bart's room. Unimpressed with his constant bullying, Bart sets out to find Nelson's father. Meanwhile Nelson notices Lisa's weight obsession and plots a scheme to get back at Sherri and Terri. That day Nelson arrives home to his father who had been found at a circus freak show by Bart. He explains that an allergic reaction to eating peanuts had him picked up by the travelling show which he was unable to leave. The Muntzes return home as a family.

Famous journalist Chloe Talbot comes to Springfield to cover a scandal involving Mayor Quimby. Chloe Talbot comes from Springfield and she and Marge were journalism students together in high school; Chloe went on to fame and fortune and we all know what happened to Marge. Lisa becomes enamored with Chloe and Marge becomes jealous of loss of her daughter's attention. After a half a glass of wine, Marge goes cuckoo bananas and gets into a fight with Chloe. When Marge won't let her go with Chloe to news conference, Lisa sneaks out and into the trunk of Chloe's car. Everything might have gone according to plan if Chloe hadn't been diverted to cover the eruption of a volcano. Lisa and Chloe get into trouble and it takes a mother's love to affect Lisa's rescue, whereas Chloe's rescue comes from an old high school boyfriend, Barney Gumble.

Bart loses his last baby tooth, causing him to go into a midlife crisis when the tooth fairy gives what Marge calls a "grown-up gift." Bart gives up on his childhood but after a suggestion by Lisa, Bart chooses to put his feelings on T-shirts as slogans. When Goose Gladwell sees the slogans he forms a partnership with Bart that begins to make Bart a lot of money. Homer decides to quit work and live off of his son's earnings. This causes Homer to lose his self respect. A documentary by Declan Desmond inspires Homer to start focusing on his relationship with Lisa. He decides to help her with her science project, improving a nuclear model by making it functional. He sneaks into the power plant and get some plutonium. Meanwhile, Goose Gladwell sells the rights to Bart's T-Shirts and Bart won't get a dime from it. Homer threatens Gladwell into giving his son what he deserves.

At Homer's office party at the Springfield Air & Space Museum, Mr. Burns drops the news that the employee prescription drug problem is terminated due to rising health costs. Other major companies follow his lead. When the Retirement Castle can't afford their drugs, Abe with Homer's help decides to smuggle drugs from across the border in Winnepeg. Pretty soon everybody comes to Homer for their drugs. Apu, wanting to get away from his family asks to come on Homer's next drug run, and when Ned wants Insulin for Todd, comes along too. Homer is caught at the border and the foursome are jailed. They are asked to leave Canada and never return. Meanwhile Smithers thyroid starts swelling up due to Burns' drug cancellation. Homer, Abe, and Burns fly across the border in Burns' plane to smuggle more drugs. The trio crashland back home but avoid being arrested thanks to everybodys gratification.

Homer announces he's finally paid off the mortgage. While celebrating at Moe's, the health inspector enters and happens to be lifelong friends with Moe. When he eats a cocktail onion and it kills him, another health inspector enters a week later and closes him down. Homer gives Moe all his money leading to a new mortgage. Marge, unimpressed, spends time at her new investment Moe's. Unveiling her plan to turn it into a British pub, Moe agrees, leading the two into a tight working relationship. On their way to a tavern & restaraunt owners convention, Moe tries to seduce Marge into a happy life with him. Homer arrives, boarding the plane through the toilet hole, to win back his woman. Marge tells Moe he's shown her he can make a woman happy some day.

While attending a carnival to save down the run-down Springfield Park, Homer beats Bart at a game and his victory dance is caught on tape which Comic Book Guy puts on the net. This leads an NFL player to buy the rights to the dance and any other dances he has to use at the end zone. Pretty soon, Lebron James, Tom Brady, Yao Ming, Michelle Kwan, Yao Ming, and Lenny (not Lenny!) require Homer's Showboating assistance. Meanwhile Ned creates his own versions of bible stories. Marge doesn't like his approach which only concentrates on violence. Marge boycotts the films leaving no creative outlet for Ned's work. The NFL approach Homer to coreograph the Super Bowl half time show. Strapped for ideas, Ned approaches Homer and the two deliver the story of Noah to the halftime show. Their performance is booed by the crowd due to its religious themes.

Bart gets permission from Homer to attend a rap concert but Marge interjects. Bart sneaks out to the concert and manages to perform a song about Homer on stage. When he returns home, he sees Marge and Homer furious about his sneaking out so he decides to fake his own kidnapping. Milhouse organises for Bart to live at his dad's house while Chief Wiggum decides this will be the case that revives his reputation as a cop. He tracks down Bart at Kirk's house and Wiggum arrests him and is promoted as Police Commissioner. Feeling guilty about Kirk, Bart comes clean with Wiggum but he shows Bart that everyone is better off with the lie (Kirk's accomodation is better than previously). Lisa discovers evidence that Bart went to the concert and she seeks Skinner's help. Bart, Wiggum and Homer convince Lisa that the lie is best left alone and everybody parties.

After Bart and Milhouse play tricks on town reviewer for Soft News Network Howell Huser, the town gets a bad rep and Quimby calls a town meeting to suggest ways to give tourism a boost. The town decides it is to legalize same sex marriages, but when Reverend Lovejoy refuses to perform the gay weddings, Homer decides to come a certified minister and perform them in his garage. Patty comes to Homer and asks him to perform her wedding, to her female partner Veronica. Marge has trouble with the idea that her sister is gay and Patty fears she will lose her sister if she doesn't come to terms with it. But when Marge discovers Veronica's secret, that she's actually a man, she stops the wedding and reveals all. Patty refuses to marry Veronica despite his request to continue with the wedding. She reiterates the fact that she only likes girls.

While on a field trip to see Springfield Glacier, Lisa protests in front of her fellow students while Bart humiliates her over and over again. Lisa promises Bart will pay and the next morning Chief Wiggum issues him with a restraining order keeping the two 20 feet away at all times. Meanwhile Homer takes over from Grampa's job as the Sprawl Mart greeter. The boss is impressed with his work and promotes him to full time. Using tools from the Mart, Homer constructs a 20 foot pole for Lisa's restraining order. Bart asks Judge Harm for a reprive but she instead increases the distance to 200 feet. Homer finds out his workers stay at Sprawl Mart because they can steal things. Bart is forcer to live in the backyard where he builds a Lisa statue. Although he was planning to burn it, she takes away the restraining order for his kindness.

Selma experiences hot flashes. Dr. Hibbert diagnoses that she is going through menopause, and she discovers she'll never be able to have children. Lisa suggests she adopt a Chinese baby, but Selma is missing the important qualification of a husband. She names Homer Simpson as her husband, so she and the Simpsons fly to China to carry out the charade. Madam Wu observes how Homer and Selma and their nanny Marge interact and she finds their relationship healthy enough to give Selma her child, Ling. Proud of Homer's good deed, Marge snuggles with him and the two are caught by Madam Wu. Ling is taken away, but Homer breaks into the orphanage to take the baby and run. Madam Wu catches up with the family, but after Homer and Selma appeal to her, she lets the family leave China with the baby.

While Marge and the kids are out on a drive, Homer has the garage door close on his neck. Marge wants them to buy life insurance but he is deemed uninsurable due to a poor health record. Marge starts cost-cutting measures, leaving Homer angry because he makes their money. He takes their savings and spends it on the downpayment for a motor home which he chooses to live in. This causes a feud between Homer and Marge. Homer opens up the backyard to an RV convoy until Marge cuts their electricity. Bart and Lisa decide the motor home is the cause of their parents bickering and decide to drive it back to the dealer. Marge and Homer rush after them, but the RV crashes onto a container ship. Marge entices the pilot to turn around with budget tinned soup. They have a feast and the marriage is patched up.

The Simpsons go to Shelbyville and are treated as lower class citizens. Marge brings this to the attention of the Springfield Cultural Advisory Board who follow by building a new cultural center designed by Frank Gehry. 30 million dollars later the center opens and closes immediately since nobody likes classical music. Mr. Burns buys the building and turns it into the state prison. Homer applies for a guard job but fails the drug test when Otto switches. Burns urges Wiggum to find convicts for his prison, and Homer is arrested under the act of kicking a can 5 times in a row. In prison Homer becomes the snitch and stops Snake from escaping. Fat Tony and his men feed Homer info about a breakout so while the guards are waiting for a breakout, the prisoners are taking care of Homer. The riot is stopped and Homer snitches on Burns' prison conditions.

Bart and Lisa roll into Frink's basement where he shows them his latest invention, a future-reader. Eight years from next Tuesday, Maggie is in Alaska, Homer & Marge are separated, and Bart and Lisa are getting ready for their prom after Lisa's skipped two grades. Lisa's dating Milhouse and Bart a girl named Jenda. Lisa is going to Yale on a scholarship funded by Mr. Burns. Bart proposes to his girlfriend Jenda but she is put off when she imagines their future together. At Bart's part time job at the Kwik-E-Mart, he delivers groceries to Burns' mansion and saves his life. Mr. Burns awards Bart the scholarship Lisa was to receive. Jenda takes Bart back but when he visits Frink's old basement he looks at Lisa's future with Milhouse. He gives her the scholarship so that she wont destroy her life by marrying him.

After a thunderstorm destroys the family's roof, Homer jets off to Moe's where he interrupts Lenny's surprise party. He is kicked out and goes to a bar called Knockers where he meets a roofer named Ray. While organising to fix his roof the two become close friends. When Marge and the kids leave home, Ray begins the roof repairs but having fun with Homer prevents him from finishing the job. Marge returns home and thinks Homer spent the whole time napping. Homer runs into Ray at the Builders Barn and he promises to stop by to fix his roof. When he never comes, Marge has Homer committed to a mental institute since nobody can confirm that Ray exists. Six weeks later Homer's treatments are finished and Ray turns up to celebrate his release. Stephen Hawking gives a plausible explanation as to why nobody had seen Ray before this time.

Vending machines are installed at Springfield Elementary after a company elects to give half the profits to the school. Bart takes all of his meals from the junk food vending machines and after three weeks becomes unhealthily overweight and is diagnosed with heart problems. Bart continues to eat the junk food so Homer and Marge send him off to a maximum security fat camp. He finds himself at the ranch with Kent Brockman, Apu, and Rainier Wolfcastle. Marge struggles to pay for the fat camp membership so they open up their house to German tourists. Bart's mentor Tab Spangler finds it hard to get through to him, but eventually takes him home to show him what the family is enduring because of him. He finally gets the messages and destroys all the vending machines at the school and refrains from eating junk food again.

Lisa decides to enter Krusty-sponsored "Li'l Starmaker" competition as her singing voice recently put her family to sleep. When Clarissa, one of the competitors sings the same song that Lisa was going to sing, Homer reassures her that he will write her a can't lose song. Lisa sings the song and makes it into the final competition. Homer takes charge of her career and writes her more songs that take her into the finals; it's Lisa versus Cameron, a boy all the girls go crazy over. When Homer oversteps his bounds with his obnoxiousness, Lisa fires him. Homer retaliates by signing Cameron up. The final competition begins and Lisa's sings a song she wrote about her relationship with Homer. Homer tells her she was always in his thoughts and that Cameron's performance has been produced so bad that he was always destined to lose.

Homer, Bart and Lisa watch a movie titled "Left Behind" about the apocalypse. Homer fears the worst and that the movie is a sign of real life. He notices some ominous signs and gathers some books to calculate that the apocalype is just seven days away. He tells people that stars will fall from the sky which is followed by a celebrity filled blimp crashing to earth. Fearing Homer's predictions are true, the town gathers at the top of Springfield Mesa. The appointed time comes and goes and Homer loses credibility. He later realizes there was a mistake in his calculation and the rapture is actually 30 minutes away. His family wont join him so he goes to the Mesa alone. The rapture comes and he goes to heaven. The only thing missing from heaven is his family. After he starts causing havoc in heaven, god agrees to send him back home and put off the rapture.

Deciding he could use more money, Flanders rents out his spare room to two college girls. The girls go behind Ned to operate their live sexy slumber party webcam in the room. When Bart and Milhouse stumble upon the site, Homer makes sure everybody in Springfield knows about it. Marge finds out and makes Homer break the news to Ned. Flanders finds out he's the laughing stock of the town and moves to Humbleton, PA where his figurine collection is made. A new neighbor, Clay Roberts, moves into Ned's home and is more obnoxious than Homer. Ned is enjoying his time in Humbeton until they tell him he must remove his moustache to keep his job. Ned refuses to do so and the town frowns upon his decision. Unable to deal with his new neighbor Clay, Homer begs Ned and his family to return to Springfield. And Ned couldn't be happier to do so.

Bart is expelled from school after he's suspected of sabotaging the school's medievil festival. Marge enrols Bart at a Catholic school, encountering a tough nun and Father Sean. Bart takes a liking to Father Sean and embraces the Catholic faith. Concerned about Bart's enthusiasm, Homer goes to the school to withdraw Bart's enrollment but returns home a Catholic himself. When Marge turns up to church alone, Lovejoy tells her she and Homer will go to different heavens. Marge, Ned, and Lovejoy go to Homer & Bart's first communion to liberate them from becoming Catholic. To bring Bart back they take him to a religious festival where he partakes in a game of paintball. Father Sean and Homer arrive hoping to take Bart back, but Bart in one his rare moments of insight brings both sides together, that is until 1,000 years later.