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HABF03: Homer's Paternity Coot
Marge: Voila! Which is French for.. Ta-da!
Carl: Hey if she's not paying I'm not paying.
Lenny: And if you're not paying I'm not paying.
Carl: Of course you're not. We're in the same car.
Lenny: Oh. I just wanted us to start talking again.

Agnes: Seymour! Get out and change the tyres!
I don't have four spares, mother.
Agnes: You don't have four anything!
Moe: This says I aint allergic to pollen. So I could have gone to the park and played with other kids. I've gotta make up for lost time!
Sittin' in a rockin' chair eating baby crackers,
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, banana!
A B C D E F G, wash those dune bugs off of me.
Abe: Mona cheated on me? I don't know how she found the time with her late night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend.
Homer: I don't care what that letter says. This man raised me single-handedly. When I think of all the things he's done for me, the many times he.... lifeguard huh?

Homer: So this guy might be my real father. And his name starts with M? Moleman? Mr. Burns? M. Night Shyamalan. That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films!
Homer: His name is Mason Fairbanks, he has a knife just for cheese,  and he talks like this :british accent: Homer, please do that in the loo!
Mason: I've dined with the Prince of Wales and with killer whales, but only the latter knew to chew without humming. :everybody laughs all the way home:
Mason: Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone had you given them what they needed.
I was busy! Telling young people to get a haircut!
Abe: I'll take any test you want. Eye test, pap test, memory test, memory test, Vinnie Testaverde, Ferarri Testerossa.
Lisa: Grampa, stop!
Abe: Never! Presidents Physical Fitness Test, seal test ice cream, Testers aiplane glue.
Dr. Hibbert: Homer's biological father is.... Mason Fairbanks!
:everyone gasps:
Homer: Who's Mason Fairbanks?
Dr. Hibbert: This guy!
Homer: Woohoo!
Marge: See Abe we're still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.
Bart: You've said that three times already.
Marge: Well then you think of something.
Abe: I guess Homer couldn't make it huh?
Lisa: No, but he told us to say Hi.... Hi!
Lisa: So, what setting is that fan on.
Abe: Medium
Lisa: Hm. I would have guessed low.
Abe: You would have guessed wrong.
Abe: I switched the names on the DNA samples. Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart. My old one's fine but you never know.

Homer: Listen, I wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me.
Mason: Anything, son.
Homer: Teach me that the stove is hot.
Mason:Very well. No Homer, mustn't touch. I said NO! Homer!. All right, nap time.
Homer: But I'm not ti-re-he-he-d.

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