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FABF01: Today, I Am A Clown
SEASON FIFTEEN :: 32 Quotes
Marge: How'd you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coathanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once.
today1.mp3
Homer: The door? Now I'll never get to pee!
today2.mp3

Hibbert: Oh I'm glad you think they're cute 'cause they're your problem now!
Homer: You just lost a box, pal!
today3.mp3
Homer: Wanna play some air-hockey?
Prostitute: $350 dollars an hour.
Homer: You're on! :runs into arcade:
today4.mp3
Homer: I can't neuter you boy, not after all we've been through. But from now on you'd better save your lovin' for the couch cushions.
today5.mp3
Marge: You and Lisa better go and find homes for these puppies. And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady.
Crazy Cat Lady: DAAAARHHRAAAJOOOW.
today6.mp3
Willie: He's an irritable walleyed misfit bastard! Just like Willie. Ohhh.
today7.mp3
Bart: Hey mister, would you like a puppy?
Snake: No, but I'll take one!
Bart: Okay!
Snake: I'm going to cherish and care for this dog, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. hahahahr. mwah!
today8.mp3
Krusty: :flipping channels: Seen it, bad, boring, saw it on the plane, rerun, rerun, telemoondo, me, turned it down, abc, lame, lame, regis. :sighs:
today9.mp3
Krusty: You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit.
Man: DSL, DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections!
Man 2: Brazillian Wax! Get your velvety smooth Brazillian wax!
today10.mp3
Curator: In the eyes of god and the Springfield Jewish Walk Of Fame committee, you are not a Jewish man.
Krusty: Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the Brenee brith!?
Curator: Actually I do...
Krusty: Goodbye...
today11.mp3
Krusty: Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy, with a prostate the size of a goats head.
today12.mp3
Krusty: I've lived so hard there's big gaps in my memory. I remember learning to ride a bike. Then pretty much nothing till right now.
today13.mp3
Krusty: My father will put this in a spiritual philosophical context.
Rabbi: I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. It's because you're a putz. Everything is a joke to you. I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony, like you're making a mockery out of me right now.
Krusty: Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.......... Ah so what, it's not my job to make kids laugh.
today14.mp3

Bart: Krusty that was a great show. Once I was clapping and the applause sign wasn't even on!
Krusty: Hey, that's great but I've got a problem. This schedule has me working on Saturdays. That's the sabbath.
Producer: Well we could tape two shows on Friday.
Krusty: Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday. Even with the :snorts the air but sees Bart and Lisa watching: Uh, you know, smelling flowers. Such expensive flowers. Filled with remorse.
today15.mp3

Homer: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host, next card! Homer Simpson it's great to be here in next card, Springfield my guests are..
today16.mp3

Homer: You ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me. Theaters, aeroplanes, why even here, look.
Comic Book Guy: I could not agree more. Never go on the teacup ride after eating a Beauty and the Beast fried dough chateau.
today17.mp3

Carl: Hey I got a question. How come oldies stations are always playing the same song. How bout some NEW oldies, geniuses!
Workman 1: Boy these guys are right on the money.
Workman 2: Yeah my neck is sore from agreeing so much.
Workman 1: Hey baby! You lookin' for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, channel six!
Hot Lady: Thanks for the tip!
today18.mp3

Pregnant Lady: Yeah yeah, twins. I get it, now, lets watch something I'm really interested in.
Homer: Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA?
Carl: I think one's elected and the other is appointed.
Hibbert: I think your water just broke.
Pregnant Lady: Will you be quiet!
today19.mp3

Lenny: You know I've been with the show from the beginning and I was uh.. I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise?
Homer: Interesting... please welcome new panelist Barney Gumbel.
Barney: Oh that light's a little bright. Do you think you could move it?
Homer: Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.
Stu: Disco Stu knows his place!
today20.mp3

Producer: Krusty you know Dianne, Stu, and Jeremy from the network?
Krusty: Hey hey, hey hey, hey hey.
today21.mp3

Chief Wiggum: Simpson I hate to bother you when you're eating but.. you're always eating. Will you sign an autograph for my boy.
Homer: My pleasure.
Ralph: I eat Lego's!
Homer: So did I, son. And look where I am today.
today22.mp3

Lisa: You should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something. Change the world for the better.
Bart: I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse!
Homer: Well, I took Bart's advice last week so I guess it's Lisa's turn.
today23.mp3

Krusty: Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on.. :shudders: Fox.
today24.mp3


Fox Programmer: I'm sorry Krusty, people aren't interested in stars anymore they want reality.
Krusty: Way ahead of you. How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire, but what they don't know is, I'm rife with disease.... Okay, okay. How bout one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at them, haha, you see beca---..... okay. How 'bout you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live! Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap!
today25.mp3

Moe: Hey wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject. Paha. Boobs (80085). Haha. Just like what girls got.
today26.mp3

Abe: This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh it might as well be in China.
today27.mp3

Song: The Beach Boys Experience sing at Krusty's Bar Mitzvah.
today28.mp3

Mel: Now lets meet a man who's muscle bound, and a man who's bound not to eat muscles. Mr. T. and Krusty the Clown!
Krusty: T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase.
Mr. T: Yeah, we were kinda rough on the guy, I kinda felt bad for him.
Krusty: You pitied the fool?
Mr. T: That's one way of putting it.
today29.mp3

Marge: Come on, Homie, we'll go to the Make Your Own Sundae place.
Homer: Will you make my Sundae for me?
today30.mp3

Programmer: Krusty, the ratings were good. Raymond rerun good!
today31.mp3

Homer: I'm hungry! Are they married yet?
Marge: They're not getting married!
Homer: Then whose garter is this?
Selma: I was trying to hit the dentist.
today32.mp3

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